Well, as most of you know, my grandmother passed away two days after Christmas. The past four weeks have probably been the most difficult of my entire life. Some of you may be unaware of the fact that my grandparents raised me all but four years of my life, so it’s pretty much like losing my mother. I’ve never lived with my biological mother (didn’t really know her until I was 14), and ages 10 through 14 I lived with my Dad and Stepmom in Washington…which I hated and finally was able to move back to LA with my grandparents. They’ve always been the closest to me in my family and I love them more than anything. I even went to college in Orange County and bought my house here in LA so that I could always be no more than 30 minutes away from them. And the inevitable finally happened, though I don’t think it’s fully set in yet. I won’t go into details but she died at home and went quickly.

The hardest part of it all is having to see my grandfather suffer. I’ve never known two people to be so in love. They both never married anyone else and just celebrated their 46th wedding anniversary three weeks before her death. In all my years I have never seen them fight once. They respected each other immensely and were definite soulmates. My grandfather doesn’t know what to do with himself. They were both retired so they spent all day everyday with each other…and now he’s all alone in their house day after day. I try to go over and spend time with him as much as I can but I can’t stop my life all together…I have work, my dog, and my house to take care of. He’s also been coming over to my house once a week for dinner, which is great because it gives him a chance to get out of the house. Tomorrow night he’s coming over for dinner and I believe that he’s also going to spend the night. Luckily I have a guest room for him to do so. But it’s really hard to see him in so much pain. I have only seen my grandfather cry twice in my life…and now it seems like that’s all he does. As much as the family misses her, it’s so much more difficult for my grandfather because he was closer to her than any of us could ever be.

Everyone asks me how I’ve been doing and if I’ve been taking my own time out to grieve. I have in a way, but as I said before, I don’t think it’s really hit me to the full extent. I just keep thinking about all the things she’ll never get to experience with me. If I ever get married or have children, she’ll never be there for that. So many recipes are gone forever because she never wrote them down…things I’ve eaten my entire life that she would make for me when I would come home for dinner I’ll never get to taste again. She will never see my house when it’s finished…on Christmas eve she couldn’t even make it halfway down the hallway to see the new hardwood flooring. Everyone tells me to not reflect on what is lost but to instead reflect on the fond memories that I have of her. Don’t get me wrong, I do that as well. But I feel that it’s only human to still think of these things that will never happen…I just can’t help it.

My grandparents had four boys and when I was born their youngest was a senior in high school. He’s more like a brother to me than an uncle because I’ve grown up with him moreso than the others. Their oldest I’m not close to, my dad is obviously my dad but lives out of state, and the second youngest was in the army all of my life…he went in about a year before I was born, put in his 20 years and retired in 2000, and he now lives on the east coast so I’m not close to him either. So since my youngest uncle and I are so close and we’re around my grandparents more often than anyone else in the family, we were pretty much handed the responsibility of organizing the memorial service and everything. And I pretty much ended up doing everything. I had to go with my grandfather to handle all the cremation services, I’m the one who found the chapel, my uncle and I met with the staff to organize the service with the flowers, programs, cards, etc, and I had to scan all the photos, print photos and whatnot for the little video memorial and two big posterboard collages we had at the service. It’s a bit stressful to have to take on everything when you’ve never had to do something like this before. And there is so little time to accomplish it in. Nevertheless…everything went as planned.

The five of us (my dad, three uncles, and myself) all gave eulogies. I was the only grandchild to speak but that’s pretty much because I was more her daughter than granddaughter. It was really hard to get up there. The pastor suggested we go in order of age so I was the last one to speak. Since I was so busy with all the preparations, I didn’t get a chance to plan or write out a speech, so I pretty much winged it. I spoke about how I had a pretty unique relationship with my grandmother since she raised me and how I spent so much time one on one with her because I was an only child at their house. I spoke of how she was such a giving and caring person who valued her family…she was never selfish. She taught me so many things…the most notable being her way with money. I wouldn’t have a house if it wasn’t for her lessons of saving my money and not blowing it on things I don’t really need. I also spoke about how she taught me so much about my heritage…all her stories of living in WWII Germany as a small child, our five week trip to Germany together in ’97, and how it saddens me that her younger grandchildren will never get to hear those stories. I also spoke about how she was always there for every major event in my life…she always went dress shopping with me for high school dances and would take me to get my hair done the day of the dance…she would let me drive all the time before I even had my license and the first time I ever drove on the freeway was with her…she was there for my high school and college graduations.

I’ve been so upset since the service because I forget to tell the one story I really wanted to share. So I’ll share it with all of you. A memory that always enters my mind…even when she was still alive…is of the day that I moved out and left for college. The night before a friend of mine and I loaded up our cars with all of my stuff to take in the morning to my dorm. My grandparents weren’t going with me to orientation…I guess they figured I should get used to doing things on my own. So I got up early in the morning, showered, got dressed, and then got in my packed-to-the-brim Jeep to begin my adult life (though I was still only 17). My grandparents were standing on the back porch, I was sitting in my Jeep in the driveway, and we said our goodbyes. My grandfather went back in the house but my grandmother remained on the porch waving as I backed out of the driveway. I’ll never forget her standing there waving at me with a smile on her face. I cried the whole way to Orange County.

I love her so much and I’ll miss her even more. But I’m thankful that my grandmother was able to share so much with me the past 25 years. She truly was the most amazing woman I’ve ever known…

xo
j